A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear. Realising
his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.

A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being
taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the
judge
what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.

"As you didn't kill this protected species intentionally, I don't intend to
send you to prison", the judge says. "However, it is still a serious error
on
your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the
body weight of the animal".

"For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10". Consulting his
records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park
services,
and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to
the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000.

The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches
the judge. "Your Honour", he says, "With the greatest respect, I believe you've
made a mistake in your calculations".

"We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of
1000 pounds". "Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be
$10,000".

The judge looks at the ranger, and says, "I made a calculation, taking into
consideration, the animals' weight, minus its two front paws". Looking
rather
confused, the ranger asks, "but why did you not include the front paws in
your calculation?"

"Because", the judge replies, "Every American has the right to bear arms!"

After spending all day Sunday watching football games on television,
a man fell asleep in his lounge chair, spending the entire night in there.

His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called.

"In whose favor?"

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed
one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room.

Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had
accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No
amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to
have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear.

Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand,
swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man was able to clearly see his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in dozens of activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity
requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what
it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying,
"This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife
would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, pick up that pen for me."

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great. He
felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him,
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one
is mightier than you."

A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO
IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer,
"Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly
munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up,
slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was
just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a
nearby tree.

The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said,
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to
cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him.

The woman inside calmed the nine terrified and screaming kids she was transporting from the
soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay.

"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"

She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"

A Near Accident

When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to
cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him.

The woman inside calmed the nine terrified and screaming kids she was transporting from the
soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay.

"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"

She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"

A Near Accident

When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to
cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him.

The woman inside calmed the nine terrified and screaming kids she was transporting from the
soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay.

"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"

She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"

First Child:
I placed my hand on my wifes tummy every chance I could for two months
waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon
hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little
movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed
experience.

Second Child:
When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran
home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our
letters to our family.

Third Child:
She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it out during the
next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the
telephone, so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of
the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child:
We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said,
"Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it
became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we
called the pizza man for a delivery.

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a
check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.
So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next
year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best
breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I
approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as
gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until
this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising
hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000
for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I
can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and
food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.

A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains
of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in
his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
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A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always, have to mix love & hate.
-Anonymous

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise .
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil P

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never
changed.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180.

Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal media...

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland, and looking for a room to rent. She wanted to have a place to stay, for when she would start teaching in the fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any place.

He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near the room.

The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel."

The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with her room.

Dear Madam:

Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that
they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and
feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though
one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time - we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "but he's too much work for one person, and since I'm
that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't
be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she
insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We
thought you said Daddy!"

A woman at our interactive advertising agency had recently returned from her
maternity leave when she sent the following e-mail:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the
refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find it forever
after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a
discussion about java applets or brand identity.
Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son if you get my drift...

"I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted
just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your
mom and telling her you love her."

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "so now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog is cross-eyed," the man says. "Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes and ears and then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No," said the vet, "because he's really heavy!"

• Helium was up.
  
• Feathers were down.
  
• Paper was stationary.
  
• Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
  
• Knives were up sharply.
  
• Cows steered into a bull market.
  
• Pencils lost a few points.
  
• Hiking equipment was trailing.
  
• Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
  
• Weights were up in heavy trading.
  
• Light switches were off.
  
• Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
  
• Diapers remained unchanged.
  
• Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
  
• The market for raisins dried up.
  
• Coca Cola fizzled.
  
• Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
  
• Sun peaked at midday.
  
• Balloon prices were inflated.
  
• Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
  
• And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
  

The lady had taken her extraordinarily large Labrador dog on his periodic
outing to the park. As someone who, by her own admission, knew everything
worth knowing about dogs, she religiously took the dog on regular trips and
varied neither route nor schedule. Because the animal was occasionally
determined to have his own way, she
wasn't concerned when he became very obstinate and refused to get into the
car to go home.

She had to drag him into the car and out again when they
arrived. Thereafter, the dog refused all commands and became unpleasant
when her husband returned home.

Bewildered, she left the dog to himself and pondered where her dog-knowledge
might have come apart.

Sometime later the phone rang and a strange voice began,
"I don't know you but I'm calling from the park. Do you realize that your
dog is waiting for you here? I got your number from the tag on his collar."

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was
bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had
some
very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit
we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me.
Why is
your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit
me."

A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had
radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few
miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane
standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge
to his professional reputation.

Not wanting to be outdone by his student, he decided to chance a landing
there too. With determination, full flaps and engine just above the
stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he
shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to
get into such a small field?"

"I landed in the big field over there," the trainee
explained, "but in order to leave room for you, I had the
farmer tow me here."

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's
a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the
bottles under the seat."

"What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff
said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.

One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.

When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun. Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said,

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.

Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair "monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

When everyone from Earth was waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The 'disturbance' turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed
almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy
and everyone else in the place.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist -
probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how
strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't
you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.

The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."