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A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear. Realising
his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.

A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being
taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the
judge
what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.

"As you didn't kill this protected species intentionally, I don't intend to
send you to prison", the judge says. "However, it is still a serious error
on
your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the
body weight of the animal".

"For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10". Consulting his
records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park
services,
and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to
the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000.

The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches
the judge. "Your Honour", he says, "With the greatest respect, I believe you've
made a mistake in your calculations".

"We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of
1000 pounds". "Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be
$10,000".

The judge looks at the ranger, and says, "I made a calculation, taking into
consideration, the animals' weight, minus its two front paws". Looking
rather
confused, the ranger asks, "but why did you not include the front paws in
your calculation?"

"Because", the judge replies, "Every American has the right to bear arms!"

[PLAY]

After spending all day Sunday watching football games on television,
a man fell asleep in his lounge chair, spending the entire night in there.

His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called.

"In whose favor?"

[PLAY]

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed
one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room.

Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had
accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No
amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to
have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear.

Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand,
swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

[PLAY]

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man was able to clearly see his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in dozens of activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

[PLAY]

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity
requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what
it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying,
"This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife
would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, pick up that pen for me."

[PLAY]

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great. He
felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him,
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one
is mightier than you."

A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO
IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer,
"Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly
munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up,
slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was
just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a
nearby tree.

The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said,
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

[PLAY]

When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to
cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him.

The woman inside calmed the nine terrified and screaming kids she was transporting from the
soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay.

"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"

She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"

A Near Accident

When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to
cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him.

The woman inside calmed the nine terrified and screaming kids she was transporting from the
soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay.

"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"

She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"

A Near Accident

When the light changed, Maurice stepped off the curb and started to
cross the street. He had to jump backward when an SUV almost hit him.

The woman inside calmed the nine terrified and screaming kids she was transporting from the
soccer match. Then she asked Maurice if he was okay.

"Lady!" he yelled. "Don't you know when to stop?"

She yelled back, "They're not all mine!"

[PLAY]

First Child:
I placed my hand on my wifes tummy every chance I could for two months
waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon
hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little
movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed
experience.

Second Child:
When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran
home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our
letters to our family.

Third Child:
She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it out during the
next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the
telephone, so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of
the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child:
We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said,
"Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it
became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we
called the pizza man for a delivery.

[PLAY]

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a
check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.
So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next
year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best
breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I
approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as
gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until
this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising
hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000
for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I
can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and
food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.

[PLAY]

A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains
of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in
his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

[PLAY]

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